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Superbowl
The Superbowl, also known as the "Super Domestic Violence Catalyst Bowl",http://www.snopes.com/crime/statistics/superbowl.asp is the second most American holiday, after Christmas. One might say this game decides the best team in the NFL, but more so it rewards the team that doesn't screw up the most. Believe it or not, the winners are given a trophy named after an Italian. Contrary to the gut, the losing team does not get this trophy. (also not given to the team that sucks that least) In addition to the domestic fireworks, an American Armoured Wankball game is telecast. This day is a day in which Americans get to watch the game, drink beer, and eat lots of food. The Game This particular football game is the standard one hour long game, which is stretched into a five hour event. It is played on a standard NFL field, in a stadium, where the only black people in the stadium are either in the game, or working the concession stand. The game is usually played in warm weather stadiums, otherwise no team would want to play in this game. Tickets to this event come pretty easy, and are relatively cheap. If you are among the Colbert Platinum, you would consider this "tip" money. As for the half time show, many acts have been tried over the years. They have had marching bands, 3D shows, Walt Disney, Brian Boitano, and have even had strippers (see Super Bowl XXXVIII, below). Since the stripper half time show where so many people were offended , they Super Bowl Halftime commitee has concentrated on making half time shows that were not offensive to anyone. As a result it is also not enjoyed by anyone. After the game an MVP is crowned and sent to Disney World (except in the case of the MVP being a murderer. See Ray Lewis, below). The Super Bowl losers are sent through a series of humiliating off-season hazing rituals. Game History There are few teams that have never been to a Super Bowl, but none of them seem more worthless than the Detroit Lions. (For Individual Super Bowl results click Here.) AFL vs. NFL Before the Super Bowl there once was two NFL's. One was called the NFL, and the other called the AFL. Business owners of the two leagues soon realized that they could make much, much more money monopolizing the sport. So they agreed to settle the matter in the first Super Bowl. It was originally organized and promoted for the two teams to face each other in gladiatorial combat. However no member of the two teams had any knowledge of fighting with pole-axes or war hammers, so the owners conceded to allow them do something they did know how to do. They agreed to a best out of 3 match of football. The NFL took the series 2-1, and the AFL was absorbed into the NFL. right The Bears And NFC Dominance For 13 years the Chicago Bears, and their evil allies such as the Giants, The heathan Redskins, the Cowboys (Brokeback), and the team out of San Francisco dominated the Super Bowl. No David the overmatched AFC put forth could slay the NFC's Goliath. The NFC was winning these "contests" in such convincing fashion (55-10, 46-10, 52-17, etc.) that it seemed as if the NFC's reign of darkness would last for centuries. In January of 1998, it seemed as if this trend would continue in Super Bowl XXXII when the 137½ point underdog Denver Broncos (who had already been slain 4 times previously by this NFC leviathan) faced the unstoppable Green Bay Packers. A Hero Arises Undaunted by the long odds, and funeral preparations, the Denver Broncos devised a masterful plot that left their fat, monstrous foes gasping for air and sweating mayonnaise by the 4th quarter. The Broncos won that day, and won again the next year. From that point onward AFC heroes such as Ryan Leaf, Ben Hamburger, Tom Brady (whose team totally hasn't been cheating by the way), has had the NFC and their Bear loving friends beaten down, and their evil plans momentarily defeated. American Culture Impact Because the Super Bowl is watched by 800 billion Americans each year it has become an utter American icon like Apple Pie, Jesus, or Nucular Weapons. Commercials Advertisers spent 2.6 million dollars for a 30 second ad in last year's Super Bowl. That adds up to $1.84 billion spent on advertising. What's more American than that (besides killing bears)? In fact that dollar amount is greater than the GDP of 29 countries. They are listed below so you can mock them easier. (Note: The italicized countries may not exist.) Super Domestic Violence Catalyst, Fact or Fiction? The liberal media has done numerous studies highlighting the infamous aggression and violent crime spikes during this holiday - although most stereotypically pin it all on the drunken and dissatisfied harboring hordes of unspent stress and hormones. However a recent survey conducted by the Greatest Living American of his gut indicates this to not be the case. The real reason for the anomaly of domestic violence cases on Super Bowl Sunday is linked to low-level definition television sets. This causes the arms to fall into what can only be described as a trance-like flailing motion. Almost immediately, the victim runs towards a spouse or loved one for assistance - instantly spawning a clash resembling a melee of sorts. Theres no clear answer as to how or why the TV sets are dysfunctional. Although, the manufacturing has been traced back to countries with a considerably reduced GDP. Relevance Other than the 88 million average viewership (easily a small planet), some have made claims that the superbowl is nothing more than a trivial self-indulgent corporate orgie. Proponents of this belief who still identify themselves as avid sports enthusiasts often make the case that college ball has more to offer the sport than any professional franchise could ever begin to. The absurdity of this is that college players have not yet themselves attended any professional football schooling. These phony fans also tend to agree that in recent years the league has been filled with complacent, overpaid, overrated unsportsmanlike drug addicts whose commitment goes only as far as their paychecks. While the average college player...with a dash of creatine to the belly and a wad of icy hot to the scrotum - runs out on that court and remains ever vigilant, hungry, and ready to fulfill their purpose from day one. Perhaps the final nail in the coffin of the college or professional debate is the fact that professional is right there in the name. Also, given the sheer number of viewship and ticket sales alone each year in and of itself, by argumentum ad populum, this reasoning must not stand. Regardless of outcomes or whether one chooses to view the broadcast or not, one things for sure. . . there will always be next-holy shit...theres that commercial I was talking about! lulz... dude, thats like the only reason why anyone watches this stupid thing anymore... Other Things On TV During the Super Bowl (Special Note: Females and homosexuals planning on watchin' TV are advised to adjust their schedules, if they know what's good for 'em!) *'Figure Skating' - Figure skating on ESPN has long been associated with trying to fill dead air on channels other than the one playing the Super Bowl. This is only watched if you are a gay man, or have a thing for 4'9", 78-pound Japanese girls. *'The Puppy Bowl' - Don't miss the special "Kitten Bowl" half time show. *'VH1's I Love The 80's' - This isn't so special because this show is ALWAYS on. * Heidi, a movie about a Swiss girl that has been trapped in outer space and will intermittently interrupt land-based broadcasts during the cold fall and winter months. *'¡Doce de mis hermanas rompieron mi pinata!' - on Univision for the few Mexicans not working on Sunday (perhaps they are all working the concession stands at the Super Bowl). Super Bowl Results ‡No, this is not a typo. The Broncos actually won a Super Bowl.